THE VANITY METRIC

How to be fake being well-read in business

Tips

How to Fake Being Well-Read in Modern Business — 6 Tips

Six tips to fake being well-read in business. All six will surprise you!

Ultimate Playbook Process for Creating Processes

guides

The Ultimate Playbook for Creating Playbooks: A Playbook

The Ultimate Playbook for creating Playbooks. You basically don't need to ever read anything else.

Titles

Programme Manager vs Project Manager: Key Differences, Similarities, and Differences

Similarities, differences, and similarities between the Programme Manager and Project Manager, two completely different yet very similar roles.

One liners

People are Judging You in These One Hundred Ways

You're a terrible person and everyone and Santa is judging you. Merry Christmas — I mean — Enjoy the weather of the season.

guides

Become a Successful Solopreneur in only Seven Gruelling Years

If you don't like people paying you lots of money to go to a comfortable place that provides you with friends, healthcare, an ergonomic chair and unlimited snacks, then the professional workforce may not be for you. Try the gruelling reality of being a solopreneur!

Tips

Curve-fitting methods (and the messages they send)

This is why I ignore every regression anyone shows me. Unless the conclusion fits my purposes and the audience is gullible.

guides

What to Say To Pretend You Understand Technology Trends

So many trends. The Gig Economy. The Microbiome. What the hell are they all? Say these things and people will assume you know them thoroughly and shut up.

Letters

Constructive Feedback on Your Frankly Terrible Slides

I scheduled this 1:1 with you to go over the slides you prepared for the business review tomorrow, even though it has been cancelled.

Happy Four Year Anniversary!

We just wanted to congratulate you on reaching the important milestone of totally checking out as all your stock has vested. Have you heard of AngelList?

Careers

Honest Job Posting #2: VP of Some Thing of which You Could Be VP!

We're hiring VPs of random new divisions, with a number of roles available for which you may be somewhat qualified. You should definitely apply!

Monetize Your Workplace

Create a surge-priced marketplace for in-demand meeting rooms, and other ideas on how to monetize your workplace.

Letters

Exciting news!

Frank has decided to leave, and suddenly left yesterday. It wasn't because he was fired for being crap, it was to spend time with his family.

Subconscious response to job application

Letters

Honest Update on Your Job Application (from Your Subconscious)

Thank you for your application. Unfortunately, we didn't like the font.

Impress Millennial Colleagues by Using Internet Acronyms in a Business Context

"Should I give you access to this database with millions of rows of customer information, or is that TMI?"

Exciting Opportunity in a Space We Just Invented

Recruiters should just lead with the important bits: how much free food, and whether you actually have to show up to get it.

Letters

Unpleasant Updates to Our Privacy Policy

We care about your privacy. Unfortunately our client the Russian Government doesn't.

guides

The Complete Guide to Launching Your Own Startup

Look at those founders, nonchalantly strutting the hallways, casually worth billions. You have ideas. All you need is a cool name and a URL and you're basically there.

tools

Random Startup Idea Generator

Use this random startup ideas generator to create an instant guaranteed decacorn. All you need to do is buy the URL and write a Medium post and you're basically mostly there.

Tips

Eight Tips for Negotiating Your Salary Like a Non-Chump

If you’re like I used to be, you think a job is a clever subterfuge where you get to browse Instagram and ESPN for 70% of the day, spending the remaining 30% showing up to meetings or writing emails while some chump pays you a reasonable amount of money. Wrong, and this time you’re the chump!

guides

“Let’s form a tiger team”, and other action-oriented things to say

Let's immediately form a cross-functional tiger team war room daily stand-up.

Letters

Dear Kitchen Team, Where the @#$& are the Avocados?

We accept low pay, illiquid equity and a very high peanut:other ratio in the trail mix because of the abundance of avocados, which save me $0.60 a day.

journal entries

Why It's Wonderful to Be an Engineer

I sometimes wonder how everyone else gets through their life so inefficiently.

Letters

With Love, The IT Department

Thank you for your recent request for a new laptop. It has been denied because we think you'll just spill nachos on this one too. With love, IT.

guides

How To Fake Having an MBA

It's easy to fake having an MBA. Just abundantly misuse 2x2 matrices, fake disdain for basically every school and emit unintelligible streams of jargon to get ahead.

Careers

Honest Job Posting #1: Extremely Junior Generic Schlepper That Will Likely Soon Be Reassigned or Fired

Work cross-functionally, transversely across the organization, up and down management layers and at times fully inverted like a bat.