I wanted to announce some exciting changes in our organization going forward.
Firstly, I'm excited to announce that Frank Managero will no longer be leading the Advanced Robotics division. His last day was yesterday. He was not in fact relieved of his duty for his many, drastic, documented failures over the last year leading this wonderful team into an ever darker pit of despair. Nor was he summarily fired, when called upon to answer for these failures, for engaging in a physical altercation with a board member, ending in him cowering under a table, weeping and simultaneously threatening to urinate on "all y'all's Tesla's". Frank will in fact be spending some much needed time alone with his family before embarking upon a new entrepreneurial venture, the nature of which is undisclosed because it doesn't exist.
While we embarked upon a search to replace Frank long before he even settled into his job, we are continuing to look for the right candidate, though have nothing in the pipeline. Nothing! No, your applications have not been considered. So I'm also excited to let you know that stepping up to fill the gap left by Frank's despotic incompetence are a suprising pair of middle managers that you don't like, Claire and Andrew. Under their joint leadership I'm hoping you won't quit, like, tomorrow. Please feel free to set up time with them if you have any concerns other than job security, pay or work conditions. Not together though. They hate each other. They're fine though, seriously. I mean, we'll get by.
Finally, I'm excited to congratulate you all for embracing uncertainty in these times. I know it might seem scary, the fact that you might not have a job next week or indeed get paid even if you do. I applaud you for the wonderful job you've all done not doing everything I'd do in a similar situation, which would be to frantically email headhunters, have a lot of sudden dentist appointments (seriously? your teeth have been terrible for ages) and to email people with the subject 'coffee?'. I haven't done those things at all. I applaud you.
Please join me in wishing all the various people above the best in whatever I said they're doing. I'm excited by how far we've come and the opportunities that lie ahead. Truly excited!