What to Say To Pretend You Understand 2018 Technology Trends
So many trends. The Gig Economy. The Microbiome. What the hell are they all? Say these things and people will assume you know them thoroughly and shut up.
Stuck at a party or a conference and forced to make conversation with other, more well-read nerds? Here's how to pretend you are up to date in 2018 when you really are not.
The Gig Economy: "Oh I did that at my last job! It was like being a part-time musician. I got paid less, but I only worked when I wanted! Unfortunately my boss hated that I was doing this so fired me and I had to become a part-time musician."
The Microbiome: "It's amazing, the gut is full of bugs and that you had to nurture them. The challenge I guess we all face is how to do that and not feed our weird parasitic worms."
The Dark Web: "The only Web I use to buy drugs and guns and... yeah. That's it."
Blockchain: "My friend who made a stack in Bitcoin told me to buy Ethereum earlier this year. So far I'm only down 50%! I guess I got lucky."
AI: "It's amazing that companies know exactly what ads to show me, and that they're basing it only on the thousands of dollars I spent last year on body hair-removal cream."
Machine Learning: "It's like AI but different, right?"
Autonomous Vehicles: "I don't get it, who do I complain to when I think there's a better route?"
3-D printing: "I got my teeth 3-D printed! They look exactly like this." (bare your teeth)
Internet of Things: "I once lost my keys. Luckily I had a Tile on the keyring, so I traced it back to a restaurant I was at 3 months ago! I mean they had actually just fallen between the sofa cushions, but it was cool."
The Cloud: "My laptop was stolen and the only things I lost were all my priceless home videos of my family. Luckily the ones of me and my wife showed up later on the Dark Web."
Augmented Reality: "I used to have to use Photoshop to add Darth Vader to all my family videos manually, but no more!"
Companion Robots: "Have you seen Westworld?"
Drones: "It was so cool being able to take selfies from 100 feet away before we crashed it."
Smart Cities: "Wouldn't it be cool if street lamps watched you sleep, your car told other cars what an asshole driver you are and if buildings sensed you came in and adjusted the air-conditioning flow to maximize the effect of your farts?" See this rambling explanation if that wasn't clear.
Home Assistants: "I love the built-in sass! I'm like 'Yo Alexa wassup?' and she's like 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.'"
GDPR: (offering snacks) "Would you like a cookie? It's a special one that reports on you for 30 days. No? Well f*** off then"
Are you still here? What websites are you on and for how long have you been there? Want another cookie? Sign up!