Dear userid jsmith@company.com,

Thank you for your request submitted today with a due date of yesterday.

Unfortunately, we can't yet upgrade your laptop. Laptop upgrades are only for people who have been here for a laughably longer time than you, are more senior than you, are our friends or are people who caught us on a good day, which isn't today.

Also no, we can't give you the email alias of john@company.com. The standard format is flastname@company.com. Further, we can't grant you johnny@company.com, thejohnster@company.com, johnnyboy@company.com, nsfw@company.com or the other surprisingly racist one.

We regretfully can't install Excel and Outlook. If you need Excel, we suggest you try to do less complicated things more slowly. And instead of Outlook we can run a script to occasionally delete all emails from one arbitrary folder and then freeze for a random period of between five seconds and thirty minutes, forcing you to go lie down in quiet panic, sobbing gently.

Yes, we can give you headphones! However not ones that will work with both your phone AND laptop.

We understand your frustration that your issued computer doesn't connect to any of the peripherals you have. Have you tried daisy chaining many dongles in different order? Be aware that some of the dongles aren't compatible with other ones.

I am happy to fix your printer for you but instead please first schedule some time with me to explain why you need to print. I'm available any time before 1993. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Finally, we checked your keyboard that you innocently said was โ€œacting weird" and totally KNOW that there's a large amount of cheese clogging up the keys and look forward to you explaining it to us before we do anything about it.

As usual we're happy to help. Please fill out the following up survey so we can ignore the response.

๐Ÿ˜‚,

The IT Department