We just wanted to congratulate you on on reaching an incredible milestone:
your options have finally fully vested you've finally reached your four year anniversary with us! I tried to search for an appropriate GIF to express this and really could only think of the time when you accidentally sent out that extremely NSFW GIF to express the fact that there are never any scissors anywhere in the office. (How shall I say this... don't click on that if you are at work. DCOTIYAAT, amirite?)
So anyway I think this expresses it best:
You'll be dearly missed. I mean you haven't left, but you will undoubtedly do so soon after the next vesting date passes and you hand in notice. I haven't formally started recruiting for your replacement but let's just say I'm browsing LinkedIn a lot lately ;) ;). Until then anyway, we'll all continue to pretend that you're still as interested as ever in things like quarterly OKRs, performance review cycles and meetings to discuss meeting cadence.
I mean, I KNOW you're secretly only concerned with options exercise capital gains tax, stock liquidity clauses and funding rounds, but we'll just blithely pretend. Maybe you love your job, even after four years of constant nightmarish chaos, seven bosses and nine title changes, all of which have left you still near the bottom of the organization.
Hey did you hear we might be getting acquired? What timing right? Haha PSYCH!!! Your stock price is the same as yesterday.
Meanwhile, can you please take care of the following things?
- Your $17,000+ of outstanding expenses since two years ago
- Your performance review
- Your previous performance review that you never did, c'mon
- A series of incomplete playbooks to document the things you do
Or... just the first thing. Let's be realistic.
In the rare event you can be tempted to stay so we don't have to figure out how to describe the weird colleciton of random tasks you do in a JD, we can offer you a tiny fraction of the options you were granted when you first joined, reflecting the increased stock price now.
Or you can continue relentlessly searching AngelList.