What to Say To Pretend You Understand Technology Trends

Stuck at a party or a conference and forced to make conversation with other, more well-read nerds? Here's how to pretend you are up to date in 2018 when you really are not.

The Gig Economy: "Oh I did that at my last job! It was like being a part-time musician. I got paid less, but I only worked when I wanted! Unfortunately my boss hated that I was doing this so fired me and I had to become a part-time musician."

The Microbiome: "It's amazing, the gut is full of bugs and that you had to nurture them. The challenge I guess we all face is how to do that and not feed our weird parasitic worms."

The Dark Web: "The only Web I use to buy drugs and guns and... yeah. That's it."

Blockchain: "My friend who made a stack in Bitcoin told me to buy Ethereum earlier this year. So far I'm only down 50%! I guess I got lucky."

AI: "It's amazing that companies know exactly what ads to show me, and that they're basing it only on the thousands of dollars I spent last year on body hair-removal cream."

Machine Learning: "It's like AI but different, right?"

Autonomous Vehicles: "I don't get it, who do I complain to when I think there's a better route?"

3-D printing: "I got my teeth 3-D printed! They look exactly like this." (bare your teeth)

Internet of Things: "I once lost my keys. Luckily I had a Tile on the keyring, so I traced it back to a restaurant I was at 3 months ago! I mean they had actually just fallen between the sofa cushions, but it was cool."

The Cloud: "My laptop was stolen and the only things I lost were all my priceless home videos of my family. Luckily the ones of me and my wife showed up later on the Dark Web."

Augmented Reality: "I used to have to use Photoshop to add Darth Vader to all my family videos manually, but no more!"

Companion Robots: "Have you seen Westworld?"

Drones: "It was so cool being able to take selfies from 100 feet away before we crashed it."

Smart Cities: "Wouldn't it be cool if street lamps watched you sleep, your car told other cars what an asshole driver you are and if buildings sensed you came in and adjusted the air-conditioning flow to maximize the effect of your farts?" See this rambling explanation if that wasn't clear.

Home Assistants: "I love the built-in sass! I'm like 'Yo Alexa wassup?' and she's like 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.'"

GDPR: (offering snacks) "Would you like a cookie? It's a special one that reports on you for 30 days. No? Well f*** off then"

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