Honest Job Posting #2: VP of Some Thing of which You Could Be VP!

Our company is one of the leading companies in a space we actually invented, according to us. We may be small, but we haven't even been sued yet, unlike those other (much larger) jamokes! We're hiring VPs of random new divisions with incredible velocity and have a number of roles available that you might be somewhat qualified for so you should definitely apply. It's about time, right?

As a VP, you'll be responsible for five people, in spite of other VPs having up to 100 people under their dominion, some of whom have responsibilities that cover some or all of yours in a constantly shifting land grab. You will be responsible for delivering on key OKRs over which you have only partial control and generally wondering what the hell is going on and why you haven't been informed of things that you thought were your responsibility.

If you consider yourself one of the following: data-driven, a people person, biased to action, results-oriented, big-picture, detail-minded or none of the above, then you should apply.

What you'll do with us

Among your many other tasks we haven't thought of yet, you’ll be expected to

• Hire a huge team with a vague and insufficient budget
• Create a strategy, mission statement, playbook, reference deck and one-pager to explain what your team does. Please share this with us 🙏🏼
• Ask your team members if they have five minutes, randomly and suddenly, mostly to ask how they're doing
• Fight never-ending debilitating turf wars with other VPs
• Be really excited about things like org structure charts and new processs workflow rollouts
• Communicate entirely in slide format
• Add one note to every document, casually asking to rethink the premise
• Apologize for being slightly late to every meeting

Requirements

• Aspiration to have a VP title like you used to have in that club in college
• 10+ years experience in a collection of things you think are relevant. They may be! You should apply
• A better MBA than your current one
• Experience in networking and career laddering
• A complete portfolio of professional headshots
• One or more of the 30 Rock Six Sigmas: Teamwork, Insight, Brutality, Cosmetic Enhancement, Handshakefulness, and Play Hard
• Comfort with your entire team and job changing suddenly
• One suit you use for interviews, weddings and funerals
• Slower typing than one would expect

Bonus points

• Your former company was mentioned not too unfavourably in an article on TechCrunch*
• Your mentor or friend thinks you should apply
• You have a mentor**

* We ask that you don't look us up on TechCrunch.

** Damn, you don't? You should get a mentor

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