Dear Kitchen Team, Where the @#$& are the Avocados?

I feel like this has been said before. But seriously. Where the @#$& are the avocados today?

Don’t get me wrong. I'm appreciative of the unlimited free avocados. Thank you SO much. But you have to understand that we see them as part of the package. We accept low pay, illiquid equity and a very high peanut:other ratio in the trail mix because of the abundance of avocados, which save me $0.60 a day... which may not sound much but it really adds up as pre tax income (in my tax bracket) over a five year period with assumptions on inflation and factoring in the extra ones I sometimes pocket for home.

Because of the scarcity, I have to sometimes claim a stake with a name (and a conciliatory upside-down smiley face to take the edge off 🙃). I've been making a practise of secretly watching the fridge in the afternoons to see who even considers taking my avocado and let's just say I have a list. I would appreciate it if people could respect my avocado rights. No one right is more important than any others.

Competitors have made it part of their compensation to provide a minimum of one avocado, with a daily vesting period and cliff of only one work hour. I hear you can also accumulate these over a quarter and then have an extreme guac party with your team, with sufficient supply for beauty treatments, smoothies, abundant toast snacks and then enough left over to just bathe in it. Are we going to let our competitors get ahead?

Finally, there’s the issue of avocado waste. Sometimes avocados go uneaten!! The humanity! I have spent a large part of my working hours to model this out in a tool that's now more sophisticated than our market planner, and have concluded the waste to be driven by a combination of seasonal supply, the biennial employment cycle and consequent influx of new joiners and the reactive push-pull of scarcity and hoarding, a known phenomena since post-industrial wartime shortages, a comparable situation. The waste incurs anguish on those of us who are more ecologically conscious and untold cost on the company, including time taken to complain publicly and politely remind people to at least compost. I expect our vendors to apply similarly rigorous statistical methods if they have even a modicum of sympathy for us, presumably their largest and coolest clients.

Thank you for your consideration and all you do. 🙂🙃

-- One of the Hass Nots