Update on Your Application (from your Subconscious)

Thank you for your application to our company several months ago that you thought maybe we just missed in our inbox!

Unfortunately, no, we actively decided not to interview you, for the following reasons:

I didn't like the font or font size. Did you put any thought into it at all?
Why would you include a headshot if you're not very good looking?
There was a typo in your resume. It was bad. I'm not even going to tell you where it was.
Beginner Spanish? Por favor exagere a little, did you think we'd test you? (Spoiler alert: I would have.)
Hobbies must be things other than what we need to maintain basic life function like cooking or exercise.
Overall, I found your descriptions of what you did in each job very boring.
I checked with your former boss and the 15% revenue increase you claimed for that one project was a wild exaggeration! It was 12.4%!
Also your title was “Junior Manager”, not “Manager” or whatever you wrote.
We received three other applications from people claiming to have “led” the Desk Arrangement Optimization Strategy project you said you “led”. Who led it? What is the truth?
There was a weird gap of two months between one end date and the next start date... too long for a vacation, too short for a sabbatical. Why did it take you so long to find another job? Is it because you're not very good?
Your didn't manage to get firstname.lastname@gmail.com and your substitute was lame.
I've never heard of that school. No, don't tell me about it.
Your cherry-picked references didn't have many good things to say, even though one of them was your mom.

Honestly, if your CV were in Comic Sans, I may have at least chuckled and put you through to an interview. It's just such a jolly font.

Anyway, better luck next time.

Regards,

Your Subconscious Recruiting Team

PS. We've alerted every other company that you're terrible and they've all now blacklisted you. Yep. That's a thing.