Unpleasant Updates to Our Privacy Policy

The Vanity Metric -

We're only want to send you content that you'll love. That's why we're writing a boring email guaranteed to make you unsubscribe.

Anyway, we've made some updates to our privacy policy, and FYI we totally had a privacy policy before you received this that wasn’t just copy-pasted from somewhere else. You can read the entire 4,364 page document here. But in summary, here are the changes:

  • We definitely will collect data about you, including your location, hair colour, the name and SSN of every person you’ve ever secretly ogled, your entire Google Search history in porn mode (sucker!) and the shape of your genitalia
  • We store all your data insecurely in servers that run on outdated Casio calculators buried in the depth of hell, where Satan himself bathes gloriously in your deleted drunk tweets
  • We will only use your data for selling you things, creeping on your ex, signing up for credit cards and to make a Tinder profile far better than the one you have using your shirtless gym mirror shots or selfies made to exaggerate your good side and boobs. (Actually we did this ages ago, you already published those everywhere)
  • We will only share your personal data with Russia, any other foreign government who asks nicely and with our friends to laugh about
  • We will claim to have deleted your data intentionally but only retrospectively if it happens by accident ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  • We retain the right to your eldest child and if needed, all your other children. Well actually just the attractive ones

Our cookie policy is to eat one whenever we’re feeling snackish so for the best experience for both of us, we will store a cookie in your house, in case we’re nearby.

Please opt in for further communications from us. Even though it won't make a difference because we're moving all our servers and business licenses to China so we’ll never have to do this again. See you forever whether you like it or not, jerks!

--TVM

Click here if you want to unsubscribe. (Note that clicking that button is actually saying "I'm still receiving and reading your emails!" so we'll just sell your email to even more unrelated third parties.)