People are Judging You in These One Hundred Ways

The Vanity Metric -

People are the worst. Not only do they fail to compost correctly, use their turn signals or silence their phones, they're also judgy AF.

You're being judged bad if...

You hate the environment

You're getting epic side-eye from millenials who gentrify the inner city if you:

  • Use non-reusable plastic bags at the grocery store
  • Use plastic straws to drink a cold drink
  • Get your coffee in a to-go (take-away) cup
  • Don't proudly display your bag of used toilet paper after a hiking trip
  • Gentrify the inner city
  • Throw trash in the bin and miss, even if you pick it up and put it in the bin correctly (too late, they've left)
  • Think that graffiti isn't art
  • Kill ants or spiders. They're our friends!
  • Think cats are better than dogs
  • Kill dogs but then don't eat them

You have incorrect food habits

People are judging the $*(# out of you if you:

  • Eat fast food
  • Don't eat vegetables with religious fervour
  • Put the wrong things in the compost. (Egg shells? Noob)
  • Consume imported produce other than from a nearby country with the same coloured people (Americans may eat things from Canada, Australia from NZ, France from anywhere in Europe but absolutely not America, Iran from nowhere, maybe except India)
  • Taste the wine at a fancy restaurant and approve of it, but then tell the sommelier he/she smells bad
  • Chew without being entirely silent or moving your mouth
  • Eat all the good nuts out of the nut mix
  • Eat carbs
  • Are not vegan. (Vegetarian? Is it still the 1970s?)
  • Are on the Atkins diet but continuing to put on weight
  • Admit that you don't really know what the microbiome is
  • Do not get the dressing "on the side"
  • Order a coffee with an extra shot or "extra hot"
  • Order a single shot, but shoot the barista
  • Kill people

You work out, but in not quite the right way

Yep, that person who is more attractive than you is judging you if you:

  • Run on a treadmill and not outside
  • Use a standing desk at work and claim it has a benefit other than appearing superior
  • Use a treadmill desk (honestly, you should consider judging yourself bad for this)
  • Wear athletic gear from two or more seasons ago
  • Use hiking poles
  • Use a drone, making all that noise, but don't even let me have a go
  • Wear yoga gear that doesn't quite match
  • Don't even lift
  • Do yoga and claim it's exercise
  • Do yoga just to look at people's butts
  • Touch people's butts too aggressively

You haven't kept up-to-date on social norms

Some random person thinks you're awful if you:

  • Don't say "bless you" every time you hear anyone sneeze, anywhere. Even on TV
  • Fail to hold the elevator door open for long enough
  • Press the "close doors" button, making eye contact with the person outside, without making the awkward face 😬
  • Allow your cellphone to make a sound in a train when it's slightly too quiet
  • Give money to homeless people
  • Don't tip enough
  • Are complicit in war crimes

You have a different opinion on children

Alert! Parents, children or anyone who has been near a Huffington Post article on parenting ever has an opinion on you if you:

  • Buy your children fast food
  • Feed your children any item of food
  • Do anything while pregnant
  • Expose your breasts
  • Let your kids play games on your phone or watch TV
  • Post pics of children on social media
  • Have an opinion about posting pics of children on social media
  • Allow your children to make a noise
  • Put your children on a leash
  • Beat your children with anything other than a 2x4

You walk or drive like a different human

You can be sure that the person behind you is making a slightly frustrated noise at you if you

  • Turn without using turn signals ("indicators")
  • Don't wave 'thank you' to people for letting you into their lane. You must ensure that they see you and nod in return or it doesn't count!
  • Ride a motorcycle but don't even go fast
  • Walk too slowly in a busy area
  • Bump into someone by accident without saying "Sorry" in a very genuine way
  • Park at a slight off-angle to the lines
  • Have a loud exhaust
  • Have a convertible. Don't even think about playing music in it
  • Try to go into someone else's lane when they clearly should have known it was a good lane to be in. Jerks
  • Use an umbrella when it's not raining enough
  • You graze someone else's parked car but then drive off without leaving your details
  • You are in a car and are not caucasian
  • Do a hit-and-run
  • Ride a bicycle without a helmet
  • Ride a bicycle wearing nothing but a helmet while it not being the 1960s in the UK

Have bad internet habits

You're a n00b and deserve to be punished by the International War Crimes Tribunal if you

  • Re-use the same password on different websites
  • Browse porn without using private browsing mode
  • Use Comic Sans
  • Use BitTorrent for anything
  • Send an upside down smiley 🙃
  • Don't provided sources for your random thoughts on Reddit
  • Don't comment your code
  • Use a Groupon or some equivalent
  • Use the Dark Net and don't even score for your buddies
  • Use the Dark Net to make a bomb threat but don't follow through on the threat

Fail to participate in someone else's society

You may as well stay indoors and never come outside if you

  • Don't speak another language
  • Say you have three reasons for something, but then add a fourth reason
  • Buy branded medicine instead of white label because it "seems higher quality"
  • Do not vote
  • Don't know about the political situation somewhere
  • Say what you think of people of another country without following up by saying "great people though. love the food"
  • Vote for an independent
  • Vote to make a statement
  • Call a place by the wrong name, e.g. calling Australia "Downunder", The Netherlands "Holland", San Francisco "San Fran" (or "'Frisco", unless you're approximately as cool as Tupac) or The Eastern Australia Islands "New Zealand"
  • Mispronounce an ethnic name
  • Get (or don't get) vaccinated
  • Feel awkward around members of the LGBTQI community for any reason
  • Are scared of other ethnicities. Maybe you should be. There's more of us than you
  • Say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" instead of the more neutral "Enjoy Weather"